Living A Lie
by PixieChick2
Summary: It's been months since Graduation, and Isabel, Liz, Kyle, Maria, Max and Michael have finally begun to settle back down in a new, supposedly safe, place. But Kyle starts chchchanging, and no one can help him. Maria's blast from the past poses imminent dan


"Living A Lie"

Dirty little Secrets (chapter one)

It had been one of those days when you always have a million things better to do, but don't do any of them and end up wasting it away. On one such occasion, It was a rainy May afternoon, and Alex Whitman decided to stay in and surf the tube, or "Idiot Box", as Maria liked to call it. Alex sat at home that evening and was engrossed with the TV, which illuminated the room like the aurora borealis. It was like witnessing Kyle watching porn. Alex sat there with his eyes super-glued to the screen and his mouth hanging open wide, drool trickling down his throat while only inches separated him from the TV.

All of a sudden, there came a loud knock at the door, but Alex was too captivated by the TV show to notice. Over the past few years, the pod squad and the humans had become quite close to each other. Everyone had full access to the others' houses. After waiting for a few minutes, Isabel let herself into her boyfriend's home. She knew that he wouldn't mind, and his parents were out of town on a business trip, so there would be no question as to why she let herself in to their decked out pad. Isabel wanted to surprise Alex, so she quietly tiptoed into the family room. All she could hear was an annoyingly familiar voice protruding from the speakers.

"You're draining my energy!" was what came from the TV. As Isabel entered the room, she could barely contain herself. She snapped a few photos of Alex watching none other than the hit Japanese anime show, Sailor Moon. There was no way that she was going to let him live this one down.

"Oh, I wish I had her legs! They sure are long and sexy, don't you think so, Alex?"

Right then and there, Alex popped back into reality.

"Oh, hey Isabel!" He paused and looked at the television, trying to act cool. "This isn't what it looks like!"

"Really, Alex, I'm sick of all the lies. Did you think that I wouldn't find out eventually? If anything, I thought you would cheat on me with Sailor Mars, not Sailor Venus. Tell me now, do you love her?" Isabel couldn't help but bat her eyelashes when she said this, in her own dangerously beguiling manner.

"Ha, ha. Very funny, Isabel. Just for the record, she meant nothing to me." Alex took a moment to collect his thoughts. "But, truly, I was only flipping through the channels when the batteries went dead. Yeah, dead, that's it."

Isabel wasn't buying his innocent schoolgirl routine one bit.

"Alex, I saw you watch that show for over twenty minutes now. So, don't try to pull that crap on me!"

"But you're not going to tell anyone, are you?" he asked, for fear of his reputation, which wasn't all that great to begin with. Alex stuck out his bottom lip and pouted, thinking this gesture would have some effect on "the ice queen", a.k.a. Isabel.

Isabel cackled with pure delight. "Well now, you'll just have to be a good boyfriend and do as I say, won't you? If you don't, "The Whits" will find out that their leader, so to speak, is an anime junkie." Alex's eyes were as wide as saucers.

"You wouldn't..."

"Oh, I would." Isabel shot back while giving him an evil glare.

At this point, Alex was shaking in his Converse. Isabel had that menacing look in her eye. It was a look that would shoot a thousand daggers into one's heart with a single alien glance. Ever since she stopped playing with Barbies, Isabel had become manipulative and controlling at times.

At the Crashdown Café, 10:00p.m

"So, tell me again why Liz couldn't lock up?" asked Maria's annoyed boyfriend.

"She and Max went on a love rendezvous. You know, some place romantic, just the two of them...alone. Somewhere where there aren't any co-workers or Brady Bunch-like families with screaming children clinging to your ankles while you drag them across the floor." Maria explained while cleaning the counter. She subconsciously relayed a large amount of the happenings that occurred throughout her hectic day. Michael walked right up to her, close enough for her to be able to feel his breath on the back of her neck. It caused Maria to get Goosebumps on her arms.

"Well, you know that the Parkers are out of town and Liz isn't going to be coming back any time soon. "

"Oh, so you want to play house, do ya?" squealed Maria. Michael just smiled his trademark _give me a little somethin' somethin'_ smile. Maria turned around so that she would be face to face with Michael, the man she loved.

"You know it." Michael smirked.

"Well then, follow me into the break room." Maria reached for his hands and lead him to the back. Michael was excited that Maria was giving him so much attention. She happily disturbed his euphoric state. "Now be a man and clean up." Maria smiled and kissed him quickly on the cheek. "I want the place spotless by morning." Oh how Maria loved to torture Michael sometimes. She wondered if she was catching a bit of Isabel's mean streak, and that didn't bother her since it worked like a charm on people...being in control and all.

The next day, at the Crashdown, the gang was having lunch. Maria and Liz were on break for an hour, so they took advantage of their time together. Maria took out her cedar oil, and took a big sniff. All her stress finally caught up to her.

"Oh, I swear your Dad is trying to work us to the bone. I need more than an hour for break. First, a baby threw up all over my new Patton-leather shoes. Then, I had to scrub down the third stall in the men's bathroom after old man Butsavage's chili didn't settle right with him. I never thought it was humanly possibly to hold my breath for half an hour, which leads me to believe that I may be acquiring Czechoslovakian tendencies. Ugh! I keep washing my hands, but I can still feel the fungal grime under my fingernails. By tomorrow afternoon, I could have mushrooms growing out of my fingers. Whatever happened to workers rights, Liz? If this keeps up, I may have to join a labor union." Maria's thoughts raced at Indy 500 speed.

Liz turned around to face the raving blonde. "Oh, did you say something, Maria?"

"Never mind. I'll be back soon. I need some more cedar oil, like now." She stormed out of the restaurant in a big huff.

Max and Liz were sitting together at a table at the café.

"So, we still on for tonight?" Max asked Liz. He was shamelessly playing footsie with her under the table, out of Mr. Parker's sight.

"Oh my gosh! I totally forgot. I kind of promised my friends that we would have a girls night out." She said with pleading eyes. Liz felt horrible.

"Oh well, that's okay. Me and the guys were also going to have a night out of our own, so I was going to have to cancel too."

"Would you prefer to go out with the guys instead of going with meeeee?" It was just so typical of Liz to whine. She would complain about him having plans to go out when they had a date even though she herself had a night of fun planned apart from her soul mate.

"Of course not, I—" Liz interrupted him before he made himself look like more of a fool than he already had.

"So you guys are going to have a night out. Well, sounds fun. Whatcha have in mind?" asked Isabel, in her all-too-casual devious tone. "League bowling is tonight, so Cosmic Lanes is out. Or maybe you are planning on hanging out at the Wal-Mart! They just renovated, so I hear it looks pretty nice."

"Well, we..." Max paused as he took a brief moment to look at his watch. "Would you look at the time? We gotta go. You know, getting ready for the big weekend and all." The guys kissed their girlfriends goodbye and left.

Ring, ring, ring.

"Oh boy, am I pooped." Maria said. It had been a hard day at the Crashdown. They had their usual Friday night late shift, which featured the young and old couples on dates, the tourists, the crazies and weirdoes (mostly space cases), and then the everyday townies that brought more stress into the chaotic diner daily.

Liz and Maria were late arriving at Isabel's since their shift kept them running circles around the noisy obnoxious tourists at the cafe. They hoped Isabel was in an understanding mood or that she had just finished watching "Dawson's Creek" and had already blubbered until her eyes turned red with tears. Isabel longed for a life of normalcy, and pre-recorded teenage angst was just enough for her to temporarily escape the unearthly events of her everyday life.

"Well look at who decided to show up." A sprightly blond answered the door.

"What? TESS!" Maria and Liz said in unison. They still didn't trust Tess. They had every right not to. Liz had more of a reason than Maria did. After all, Tess did kiss Max and bring up the whole destiny thing. Although Kyle and Tess were somewhat together, Liz still feared that, if given the chance, Tess would make her move on Max.

"Tess! What are you doing here?" Asked a rather annoyed Liz. She did her best to try to avoid Tess and here she was, right in front of her, almost egging her on.

"You ladies plan on coming in? Take off your shoes and stay a while." Isabel arrived at the door and urged them to stay.

"I'm suddenly feeling a little under the weather. I think I've changed my mind. Come on, Maria." Tess stopped her and grabbed Liz's arm.

"Liz, please. Let's just put this whole alien love triangle thing behind us" she begged, still holding Liz's arm. Liz pulled her arm away from Tess and rubbed her now bruised appendage.

"Speaking of triangles, did you fall into the Bermuda triangle? What's with the Hawaiian get up?" Maria pointed out that the Evans' living room was done up to look like a tropical oasis. Tess had a Hawaiian grass skirt and a bikini top on.

"Oh, this? I thought that I'd have a hula party. It's a luau complete with limbo and island karaoke. So come on in, because Tabitha and Jasmine should be here soon. Although they won't be staying the whole night though, they've got big hot dates and all." Isabel led the girls into the hula room and threw them some clothes to them. "Here, put these on." Isabel said as she handed them grass skirts and coconut bras.

"Eww, Isabel! You're cramping my style." Maria said as she picked up the clothing, touching the bra as little as possible.

"What style, Maria? Euro-trash is so ten minutes ago!" Isabel was proud of her uncharacteristically rude comeback.

"Isabel, these distasteful vestments inspire male chauvinist pigs everywhere to swoon over tramps that dress like this. It's a degradation to our sex." Maria complained, not wanting anyone, especially not Michael, to see her in something like this. She felt cheap in those skimpy shrouds.

"Maria, it's just our friends. Can you try to stop being "Rosie the Riveter" for three hours?" asked Liz. This "woman-power" act of Maria's was getting a little old. Liz contemplated painting "I am woman, hear me roar!" on the back of Maria's Jetta when Maria finally embraced her roots and turned completely feminist on her.

DING-DONG

Immediately, Maria stopped bickering. Standing on the other side of the door were Isabel's friends, Jasmine and Tabitha. They had brought five caboodle's cases, stocked with make-up and pore cleansing masks.

"Oh, great." Maria sighed sarcastically. "The ditzy divas have entered the building." "Maria, they aren't that bad. I waited tables for them last week. Their hygiene is impeccable. I wish I could have hair that shines like that. I sort of admire them. A process like that must take quite a chunk out of one's schedule." Liz defended.

"Oh no, Liz! It's just as I thought. The pod people have taken you over. Tess, this is all your fault, isn't it?" Maria felt Liz's forehead and shot Tess a powerful glare.

"Who, me? Oh, look! The Alamo collapsed. Let's blame it on Tess," Tess said brusquely. "Not everything can always be my fault, you know."

"Okay, girls. I'm letting them in now." Isabel opened the door, and let in the two chatty Patties.

"Hey Isabel! Did you try that new moisturizer I swiped, I mean, bought for you?" Tabitha asked, excitedly. "What are they doing here?" Jasmine quipped, pointing to Liz and Maria. "Okay, everyone! It's time for facials!" Isabel saved the day. After the makeovers, Maria yelped in at the sight of her new look.

"I look like...Isabel!" Maria was excited. She'd never looked so good in her life. Liz looked like a million bucks as well. "What an improvement! This is better than an aqua bra." Maria grabbed Jasmine and Tabitha and hugged them both. "Thank you so much. Michael definitely can't ignore me now. Point me towards the runway, 'cause I'm on fire tonight! Versace? No, that poor hobo is not qualified to do my wardrobe. I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeVille!" She struck a pose then did a fashion model turn, accidentally tripping on her grass skirt and then gracefully arising from the floor as if the fall were intentional.

"Well, we always help the needy," Jasmine snickered, jokingly. "Let's go out on the town!"

"In our coconut bras?" Isabel questioned.

"Oh, well of course not." Maria was so overcome with joy that she forgot about her sleazy apparel. "Iz, can we borrow some of your clothes, if you know what I mean?" Maria winked and used her fingers to make it look like she had antennae growing out of her head. "Yeah, sure. Liz, Maria, follow me. I have the perfect outfits for you two. Jasmine and Tabitha, wait here. We'll be down lickety split." Perhaps Isabel had been watching too many '50s shows, for into her vocabulary she had incorporated five new words and phrases: hunky dory, lickety split, swell, golly, and ye-gods!

As soon as the two earth girls were in Isabel's room, they wondered what she would pick out for them.

"Ooh! Isabel, I want a sexy blue mini dress with black lacey fringe! Don't make it look too Monica Lewinsky, though! She fell into the Gap and never got out!"

Instantly, Isabel manipulated the molecular structure of Maria's clothes and transformed them to look as if they had just been taken off the runway. She also gave her some sparkly shoes with tasteful silver rhinestones on them.

"Perfect!" Maria twirled around the room until she came face to face with Liz. "Oh, now it's time to decorate little miss pretty pretty princess herself. Isabel, please cook up something with a plunging neckline, an open back, and a high slit. Preferably a gold and black little number." Isabel once again used her powers to whip up a fashion phenomenon for her brother's soul mate. Once Liz saw what she was wearing, her jaw dropped to the floor.

"Oh my..." She gasped and smiled. "Max will never approve of this."

"Liz, Liz, Liz." Maria grabbed her best friend's shoulder and placed her in front of the mirror. "When are you going to learn that there's this little thing that happened over 100 years ago. It's called the women's movement. Not to mention, the whole Britney Spears world domination thing. Basically, you are free as a bird. Max doesn't own you. It's not like you're cheating on him or anything. If he saw you in this, he would have to take a cold shower, pronto." A few minutes passed by, and before the girls knew it, they were in Isabel's car (okay, she borrowed Max's jeep without his approval) heading to a local club. Little did they know what was in store for them.

"Hey, you guys, after we hit the club scene, I want to go out into the desert for a little fun." Jasmine proclaimed. Isabel hesitated at first, but then she agreed. They would never get anywhere near the pod chamber.

At the club, Isabel handed the bouncer the fake ID's that she had personally handcrafted. With the new makeovers, they all looked over 21. The party was slamming, and there were plenty of hot guys there to go around. Maria walked up to one of them and pinched his butt. "Hey, hot stuff! What's going on?" She smiled until the guy turned around. It was Kyle! "Nothing much, hot mama." Kyle paused for a second and glanced hard at the woman who pinched his cute tush.

"Maria! What are you doing here? Tell me that you did not do that to me on purpose!" Maria was completely mortified. "Well, studmuffin, I didn't know you were so ugly up close." Maria joked to release the tension.

"You're not here with Michael and Max, are you?"

"How'd you guess? Maybe Michael should find out about your little indiscretion?"

"Ooh! Then you can tell him how you hit on me. Maybe he'll want to hear some of your top pick-up lines so he can try to snag other guys' girlfriends!"

"I won't tell if you won't." Kyle offered, rubbing his butt. "Ow! That hurt. Do you pinch butts for a living or something?"

"Don't say a word to anyone and I won't tell about this or the time that you hid under the stage during our school's production of "Grease" just so you could look under the girls' skirts."

"Deal." Kyle said as he shook Maria's hand. "Michael's over there, by the way." Kyle pointed to the bar where Michael was chatting it up with some scantily clad woman.

Maria marched over to the bar and yanked on Michael's ear. "Hey, wait your turn. I'm taking care of business right now." Michael rubbed Maria's shoulder, not knowing that it was she.

"Oh, but I'm the girlfriend. Don't I get to cut in line?" With that, Maria punched Michael in the face and gave him the look of death. The girl at the bar began to speak.

"Hey, we were just talking, girly girl."

"Listen, Bambi, or whatever the hell your hooker name is, go share your STD's with someone who can pay you a little more than $5!" Maria stormed out of the club and grabbed Isabel. They went out to the car to fix Maria's make-up, since her mascara wasn't waterproof.

Liz, meanwhile, was searching for Max, since she saw Kyle hanging around. She found him sitting by himself at a table drinking bottled water. Even when given a chance to cut loose, Max still insisted on acting like a prom chaperone.

"Hey handsome!" Liz flirted with Max in her sexy voice.

"I'm taken, miss. Sorry," Max didn't bother looking up, for he had his mind on one thing only. He was thinking about Liz.

"Max, it's me!" Liz was so proud that her boyfriend could be trusted, as long as he wasn't with Tess. Max shot up and looked at Liz's attire.

"What are you wearing? Where's the rest of your outfit?" "Max! I am my own woman!" Liz was amazed that she sounded like Maria.

"Look, I just wanted to have a fun night out. No need to worry. You're the only one that I want." Liz kissed Max passionately. "Hey, what are you guys doing here, anyway?"

"Oh, Michael wanted to talk to some lady about getting a used Volkswagen Beetle for Maria. He thought it would be a nice upgrade from her beat up old Jetta."

"Michael is such a sweetie. Uh, oh! I'd better get this straightened out with Maria. I love you bunches, bye!"

Liz found Tess and told her to round up the girls. It was time to explore the desert. Liz ran out to the car and explained to Maria what Michael was there for. Maria felt really bad, but she decided to deal with Michael later and blame her outburst on the old stand by, PMS.

Jasmine insisted that she drive, since she was the one who knew where the mysterious place was. "I came across this place a few weeks ago with Brian on our first date. I saw something here, but I was afraid to go inside. Brian and I went back to the car to make out. I figured that this would be the perfect place to make my declaration of independence from boys for a while. That is, until I call this hottie from the club that I met." Jasmine blindfolded the girls and walked them into the cave, unbeknownst to them that it was the pod chamber. "This is so childish, Jasmine!" Tess yelled.

When the girls could see again, they were taken aback. "Oh no! Our Czechoslovakian heritage is about to be found out." Isabel tried not to freak out as she thought this.

"Hey, you guys! I think we've stumbled upon something alien here." Tabitha smirked. "We've got to call the cops!" Jasmine yelled aloud.

"No, let's explore a little." Tabitha stated ambitiously.

"Guys, this isn't such a good idea." Isabel offered.

"Why, are you hiding something?"

Isabel, Tess, Liz, and Maria worried about the pickle they were in. What were they going to do? Tess thought about mind warping them, but she knew it had consequences and it wasn't guaranteed that they would forget everything. They couldn't tell them the secret...or did they really have a choice?

(TO BE CONTINUED...)

All of a sudden, Jasmine disappeared into the darkness, reappearing one minute afterward. She had an evil glow about her, a glow that made the air heavy with uncertainty and laced with fear.

"I know all about you...all of you!" Jasmine screamed.

"No! It's not true!" Isabel cried despairingly.

"Iz, chill out! I was just about to propose a little game of truth or dare. That is, if you are up to it?"

"Oh sure, Jasmine. I was just a little startled that's all. I thought you found out about my donut-eating splurge last night! I am so ashamed." Isabel confessed, bowing her head downward in mock scorn.

"It's okay, my friend. You are forgiven. Just don't do it again... Or you can share, you know? I've had urges to indulge myself with carbohydrates and sinful sugars before. It helps if you aren't the only one. Rule number one in the "Girls Guide to Great Friendships" is, never eat junk food alone, for it could be deadly!"

"Okay. You're great, you know that? All of you! Well, except for Tess." Tabitha stated.

"Hey! Why is it always me who is the culprit around here?" Tess defended.

"Well, it's that you are just too naturally perky!"

"Oh...Okay, then..." Tess was humiliated.

Maria spoke up, feeling sorry for the well-endowed Czechoslovakian. "Hey, I pick truth!"

"Okay. Maria," said Liz. "How many young studs have you seduced into submission, therefore making Michael croon with jealousy, lately? I know it's at least three! SPILL!" Maria cleared her throat and reached for her back pocket. All of the other girls gave confused looks, hoping she wasn't going to... Then she sniffed her cedar oil. "Let me get this straight. What happens in this cave stays in this cave, right?" All of the other girls said in unison, "YES!" "Okay. If I must, I must. Well, there was... OH MY GOSH! I'm out of lip- gloss! I can't go on, can't go on!"

"MARIA! TELL US!" The group broke out. "Lips...parched...must replenish natural moisture..." Maria said, pretending that she was dehydrated without her glossy temptation stick at the tips of her fingers.

"Maria! My homicidal tendencies are sneaking up on me again, and the urge is strongest when I am near you." Isabel said cruelly while reaching across the cave and clinching her right hand around the area of Maria's throat.

"You guys?" Tess asked.

"What do you want, Blondie?" Isabel quipped, like a wolf would cry when something comes between it and its prey during the hunt.

"Well, I am kind of getting creeped out here. And since Maria is on the brink of collapse and Isabel is about to slit Maria's throat, maybe we all should get going. There is a Wal-Mart near by, and I have a good dare for Miss Parker that would be more fun than sitting in this smelly old cave acting like five-year-olds."

Tess was really just exhausted from holding a mind warp on two people for so long. Plus, she was in the mood for a slushie.

"Why did we even come out here, then?" asked Tabitha, obviously annoyed that the excursion had not turned out as planned.

"We may as well get out of here whilst the night is young, fair maidens."

"Okay, when Liz starts getting all Medieval on us, that's our cue that we need some fresh air...or at the least, a great bargain!"

Everyone grumbled and agreed to leave. They walked out into the moonlight and towards Maria's Jetta and Tess' Accord.

"ATTENTION: Wal-Mart shoppers. There is a sale on aisle four. There is a 50 off sale on all new stock cosmetics on aisle four!" The loudspeaker belched out, followed by the ungodly screams of at least twenty middle-aged "Fountain of Youth" seekers who flocked aggressively to aisle four, taking out at least one clerk and two stock boys and leaving them befuddled and bruised in their wake. Maria quickly fought her way through, grabbing greedily at her favorite lip-gloss and then cradling it like a newborn baby. Then a forty-something woman plucked the gloss from Maria's hands and ran off to a register.

"No!" Maria's voice cracked and she fell to her knees, crying in defeat. Isabel looked down at Maria pitifully, gazing at her broken form underneath the hot fluorescent lighting. She tapped her foot in annoyance.

"Humans!" She breathed lightly. "Maria, you do know that I can refill your bottle, don't you?" Maria's eyes glazed over with happiness and lit up in a green neon way.

"Isabel," she exclaimed. "You goddess! I bow down to your Czechoslovakian existence. You always know how to fix me! I wish you were a man." Isabel looked around, embarrassed, and lifted Maria up by her arm. "Maria, you are speaking out of lip gloss deprivation. You didn't mean any of it, okay? It was all a mistake."

Maria shook her head and came back into reality. "Sorry. Thanks. Whew! I never thought lip-gloss could do such a thing to you. Withdrawals from it are real doozies, aren't they?"

"Yes, Maria-san. Where's Kyle when you need to Tai-Chi your way out of a nervous breakdown?" Isabel spoke, patting Maria on the head.

"Good puppy! Sniff some cedar oil, and thank you for not messing on the floor during your freakout. Look...it's Liz, your master!"

"Isabel, I am okay now. No more taking advantage of my incoherent spaz- tics! Liz! Over here!"

"Hey, Maria. I thought I lost you amidst the raving make-up fiends! I'm glad you made it out alive. Where's your gloss?"

"Oh, never mind that! Isabel will take care of it," Wink, wink.

"LIZ!" Tess screamed.

"Oh, no. I was trying to avoid Miss De-Tess-table. Quick! Hide me!"

"Liz, I see you behind that deodorant bin! Come forth and face my unforgiving wrath! It's either now or later, and later I probably won't be so merciful."

"Okay, Tess. I give in. Dare. What is it?" Liz cringed in fear and prepared anguish.

"Hmmm... Liz, I triple dog dare you...to kiss that guy looking at that "Guns and Ammo" magazine over there."

"No, I don't think so. Even you aren't that trashy, Tess." Liz offered.

"Okay, Liz...I am going to pick even worse now. How about that Urkle-ish guy over there in the suspenders?"

"Well, you see..." Liz racked her brain for an excuse. "I didn't floss after I had that pizza earlier, and I don't want it to become lodged in that guy's throat. Then there would be purging and sick people and children screaming...and it would just be too messy."

"Liz, besides 'I think he's an alien,' that is the worst excuse I've ever heard for not making some poor geek the happiest man alive. Give up your goodie-goodie throne for a while and step off of your pedestal. Max is having fun somewhere without you, and you should do the same. You don't need his permission and you're too good looking to waste it all on swooning over Max all the time. Say, "I am woman" and roar! Go thither. What light through yonder window breaks? It is the geek, and I am Tess. Do you want me to mind-warp you into being a psychopath with weird hair?"

Suddenly, Liz faints.

"Liz, you are such a bad actress!" Maria said, stepping over her faking- sick friend.

"Look, Tess, I'll do it. These lips haven't gotten much mileage on them lately, and I really need a good piece of dork to go with my desperation."

"Okay...but Liz, you owe me a cherry cola from the Crashdown later."

Liz looked up from the floor and said, "Deal" and got up.

Maria strolled over to the dorky kid vixenly and blew a kiss to Liz. "Watch me work, ladies. And remember, Liz, you passed!"

Maria walked up to the stranger with a cowlick and fixed his hair.

"Hey there, cutie. Howsabout you and me bump noses for a while?"

"Uh...OKAY!" He cheered excitedly and obliged. Maria moved close to his face, which was decorated by his fifties-style horn-rimmed glasses, which were taped together in the middle with a Band- Aid. "But wait!" The nerd proclaimed. He took out his inhaler and took a puff. "Okay, I am ready." Maria smiled uncomfortably, wincing and wondering what inhaler breath tasted like and then not caring because at least he wasn't Michael.

The geek puckered up childishly and Maria moved closer...

Meanwhile, in the same store "Max! Jump in the cart." Michael coaxed, pointing into the shopping cart he was pushing.

"Michael, I haven ridden in a shopping cart since my butt was small enough to wiggle into Pampers. The answer is NO!"

"Max! You can just chill out right now. Liz is having a good time most likely. So it's your turn to sow your wild oats. Only this way is much safer and spontaneous."

Max debated with himself for a while, then agreed and hopped into the shopping cart. Michael began to push it with Max in its large carriage. "Wheeeeeee!" Max squealed. He felt free as the recycled air blew through his hair. They passed Kyle, who was in the pink glowing isle, known and feared by all as the Barbie isle. "Buddha Barbie, where are you? I thought I saw an advertisement of you in the paper, you Japanese hottie! Oho...there you are! Your legs look even better in the box than they did on the Mattel commercial. Where have you been all my life?" He saw Max and Michael whiz by and he blushed, ducking and covering his head with a "What to expect when you're expecting" book, which was on the wrong shelf in the wrong isle. He peered over the binding and looked at the book. Disgusted, he threw it hastily across the isle, striking a poor kid in the head. "Hey! Ow!" The kid yelled, walking off in a huff. Isabel saw the scene before her, since she did not want to watch Maria smooching with some dejected teenager. She picked up the book, and walked over to Kyle, who was crouched in a corner, saying, "It never happened, it never happened...where's my happy place? BUDDHA!"

"Kyle, " Isabel broke through to him and Kyle ceased his chanting. Kyle looked up at the book, and then at Isabel sheepishly. "Kyle, is there something you are not telling me?" Isabel finished. Kyle only smiled like a baffoon and lay his head on the floor.

On the other side of the store, Michael was picking up velocity pushing Max in the cart. Then he glanced over to find some other guy macking on his woman! He let go of the cart without noticing, sending Max flying into a display of Playtex scented tampons. The sound boomed, and Max lay in the heap on the ground. Michael grabbed Maria and punched the pathetic loser she was kissing in his face, breaking his retainer and his pride. "What do you think you are doing? It's been what, an hour since we broke up and now you're with another guy? That's real classy, Maria... Real classy!"

Max emerged from the heap of tampon boxes and smelled something. "Mmmm...Tropical rainforest! I smell so wonderfully womanly. Is this a perfume tester display? Maybe I'll get some for Liz." Max pondered, always being an "opportunist" boyfriend. Then he looked around, noticing suddenly that he was immersed in feminine products. "AAH! The absorbency! The absorbency! It's not my time...not my..." Max blacked out suddenly, overcome by the aroma of tampons and excitement, which was dwindling ever so slowly.

"Oh yeah, Michael? I'm a free woman! My predecessors have given me the right to kiss whomever I want. You want classy? I'll give you classy!" Maria whipped around and kissed the nearest guy in sight. "And this is classy too!" She kissed another unsuspecting male. "But this..." She said, spotting Kyle walking down the aisle with a Barbie Doll under his arm. "This is classiest of all!" She pulled Kyle close to her and dipped him to the ground, kissing him passionately. "Ooh! You Buddhists sure know how to please a lady!" Maria exclaimed, fixing her hair and glaring at Michael. She knew that she had won, and Michael knew too, so he remained silent while Maria walked away and in the direction of the women's bathroom, still high from her triumph over her sometimes-jerky boyfriend.

Kyle took this confusing time to sneak off to a register and pay for his Barbie inconspicuously, without drawing any attention to himself. But, then again, maybe no one would notice his little Barbie-buying antic with a semi- conscious male teenager resting comfortably amidst an overabundance of boxed feminine hygiene commodities? If all else failed, he could plead insanity...yeah, that would work like a charm.

Maria looked vehemently through her purse for her cedar oil, but alas! She could not find it in the deep dark depths of her Gucci knock-off. "Why do I even have a purse? I just get things lost beyond recovery...it may as well be in space!" Maria hissed audibly. Then she looked into the mirror at her own eyes...those two immense green alien orbs floating in the mirror opposite her flushed complexion. Her eyes were puffy from the tears leaking out, and she was dead tired. So many mixed emotions were passing through Maria's body that she felt like she was drifting off toward a distant planet...one with a zero population where she could go to be alone and weep without anyone seeing the pain she was trying to contain every day. She looked up in the mirror again to find a dark figure prowling in a sinuous motion in her direction. She pretended not to notice, and just when she could feel the interloper's warm breath upon her neck, she screamed and whapped him in the head...and hard. Then the figure came to his senses and Maria caught a glimpse of his face. It was Michael, and he was backed into a corner from the blow.

"Michael! Why are you here? I mean, in the women's bathroom. You aren't drunk are you? 'Cause if I ever have to drag your mangy behind through an entire town and put you in my car only to find that you prefer MY upholstery to puke on, then you can forget it mister! I am not going to be your dirty business girl. I am sick of cleaning up your garbage and always getting the raw end of the deal, Michael.

"But, Maria. I know you didn't mean it. And I...I don't know what I would do if I were to lose you again. I need you."

"Oh, Michael," Maria felt herself getting weak already. She got on her knees and crawled over to him, then hugged him.

"I..." she began. "I..." she looked around and sniffed the air confusedly. "What's that smell?" she got up and looked closer. It was coming from her purse. "Ahhhh! You broke my cedar oil bottle, you dumb lug!"

"Maria, you were the one who hit me with your purse and about gave me a concussion."

"Get over it! Max will heal you. I need my cedar oil right now, and you messed that up for me. You're always creating perfect moments, and then sabotaging yourself. Why is that? Ugghh! I can't take this! Isabel!" Maria cried as she ran off into the distance looking for a quick fix from Michael's betrothed.

Michael sat in the corner, a little disgruntled and frustrated. Then Max stormed in, trying to console Michael. "Look at it this way," Max said. "At least you weren't the one swimming in a pool of tam...tamp...oh I can't even say it any more. What a nightmare!"

"No, Maxwell. This is the nightmare...Maria is completely irrational and emotional. I don't think I can handle her any more. Hay, Max, Maria got a little physical with her purse and nearly took my head off with it. Will you click your heels together and fix me? Please!"

"Michael, this is a public Women's bathroom."

"Maxwell...do not make me go out there looking like I got the crap kicked out of me by some old woman who got steamed because I invaded her aqua net refill station! I'm almost going to beg. No, wait! I could tell everyone back at Good Ole West Roswell High that you took a plunge into a---" Michael was cut off by Max.

"Okay, but then we have to split, pronto!" Max started to work his magic. Max was touching Michael's head in a way that made it look like they were together. Isabel whacked the door open and caught the two in a compromising situation.

"What are you two doing in here?" She gasped, shocked and dazed. This was the most unconventional night of her life, and finding out her brother and ex-lover from her home planet were gay was going to put the cherry on top of the twisted hot fudge sundae.

Back at the pod chamber, something was changing. A strange presence came over the place, able to trap whoever walked into the cave. But Michael didn't know that, and he was nearing the chamber by the moment...he was getting closer and closer...

(TO BE CONTINUED)


End file.
